re - learning

It's an interesting thing when the lies you wrestle with are spoken in your own voice.

" You know you're ugly, right? "

"He would never like a girl with short hair. You look like a man."

" You think your mum paid all this money for you to come to Canada to be a missionary? " 

It's like punching yourself in the face over

and over

and over 

and over again. 

And watching confidence bleed out like blood flowing from a self - inflicted wound. 

And letting these lies somehow become my truth -  

Wearing them like a shield and using them like cement to build up the walls around my heart even as the wounds I'd inflicted continued to bleed and scab and bleed and scab and grow. 

Soon I forgot what it meant to walk with confidence. 

I would walk down the street with my head hanging so low, I could taste the ground.

And try to reach for confidence deep inside myself but it's hard to re-fill from a cup that is empty enough to form cracks at the bottom - 

And try to find my confidence in what other people thought of me, but human beings were not made to carry that kind of weight. 

Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest

But I insisted on carrying this yoke on my own. 

After all, shouldn't I be strong enough? Brave enough? Christian enough? 

So I existed in this space of speaking and teaching Truth but not believing Truth for myself.

Do you know what that feels like?

Like there's a black hole where your heart used to be and joy and laughter and authenticity and all things good are slowly being sucked into it. And I became a shell of what I was created to be.

And in the midst of that, His voice spoke - strongly, softly.

I AM sufficient.

Trust Me. 

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your soul. 

Grounding me. Holding me. Stabilizing me. Breathing new life into weary bones.  

Let the weary rise
Lift their eyes to see
Your love crushing every lie
Every doubt and fear

And Truth was spoken - words that I'd forgotten how to believe. 

Awake my soul to sing
With Your breath in me
I will worship
You taught my feet to dance upon disappointment
And I will worship

And today, again, truth is spoken to pierce past the lies - to teach the beauty of resting in the goodness of my Abba - anchoring myself not in humanity and things that may change but learning to anchor my life on what is eternal.